I am so unqualified.
September 17, 2016 was the best day of my life. I married my best friend, my God-given companion, my life partner and love forever. The dreams we envisioned our life together to look like captivated our hearts and minds. We were (and still are) adventurers and we constantly imagined our perfect future.
A day only a few weeks later rocked my world and changed me from the inside out.
I will never forget this one particular day. Three weeks after we got married, my new husband and I sat in a small quiet office to discuss his will, desires upon his death, and a power of attorney. I remember sitting in a chair next to Brandon, a lady in front of us talking about things I never wanted to even fathom and few people do as an early 20s, young married couple. As she spoke, my mind went blank, my thoughts wandered and I silently thought to myself, “How did I get here? How am I sitting in this office signing papers for in the instance my husband is killed while fighting in this war I’m about to send him off to? Three weeks ago I signed a paper and said my vows to be with this man I love for the rest of our lives! And now you guys want me to sign a paper for ‘just in case’ that forever ends prematurely?!” My heart screamed NO no no , my eyes welled up full of tears, this surely cannot be real. This is only what happens in movies and TV shows, it certainly can’t be my life. I blindly signed these papers for what he wanted and in my head I wrestled with comprehending the levity of my new life. As we walked out of that office in silence, Brandon looked at me, grabbed my hand and said “are you going to be okay, babe?” I mustered up a halfhearted smile, swallowed to clear the lump in my throat, fought back the tears in my eyes, looked up back up at him and said “Yes, babe I’m all good.”
Truth is, I wasn’t good at all. I was just the opposite of good. Inside I wanted to run and scream in a corner. I wanted to punch the walls, hide under my blanket and never come out. I was overwhelmed. At that moment, I realized…
I am so unqualified for this. My “job” as an army wife is so beyond my natural skill set.
I am so unqualified to send my husband, the person I love more than anything, off to war, to spend a majority of my nights alone and lonely.
I am so unqualified to daily carry the weight of crippling worry for my husbands safety.
I am so unqualified to muster up enough strength to spend hours of the phone calming my overwhelmed husband who is struggling with the things he has seen and experienced. Only to hang up the phone and burst into tears because them back took my whole being.
Every part of my selfish desire wants him…
I carry with me always a quote from one of my college professors, “God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called.”
That’s just it, friends, we are all unqualified.
One of my favorite passages in the Bible has always been when Jesus calls his disciples. I think people tend to think that Jesus called only these “special” 12 men who deserved to walk closely with him and that they must be so qualified to minister along with Jesus. However, that’s just not the case. Jesus actually called a rag-tag group of unqualified men to be his followers and learn from him! Most of the disciples were fishermen and a couple of their occupations are unknown but the one that stands out most to me is Matthew. The vision of Jesus calling Matthew brings me to tears, because Matthew is just so like us…so unqualified to fulfill the calling of Jesus to walk with him.
“As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector’s booth. ‘Follow me,’ he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him…’For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” Matthew 9:9,13b
See Jesus called Matthew…a tax collector…someone viewed the dirtiest, worst, lowest kind of person. I remember feeling a lot like Matthew must have felt while sitting in that office that one day. Thinking to myself “who me? You have THIS calling for me? I am so unqualified for this?” Matthew must have looked around to find if there is someone else Jesus was talking to because just like me, he probably felt as though he couldn’t possibly be calling him! But he did…
He qualifies us for His calling on our lives. God has placed this calling on my life. He has been qualifying me all along to fulfill this calling. The amount of time I have spent in prayer, the amounts of time I have spent alone in solitude have equipped me for this.
It would be so much easier to let the anxiety, fear, and worry win this war in my heart. It would be easier to shut the door on life, drain my sorrows and time in Netflix and Nutella, but God has called me to more than fear. He has called me to resiliance.
That moment of walking out of the office that one day will forever be burned in my mind as a pivotal moment in my life when I realized what Gods calling on my life meant. I have a choice. I have a choice to let my human desires take over, or be in constant pursuit of God’s calling in my life and walk in obedience. This choice meant learning how to turn loneliness into blessed solitude, tears into prayers, and anxiety into trust. It meant choosing joy over fears.
What call has God placed on your life? How has God qualified you for His calling? Or, what do you need to surrender to Him in order to fulfill that call?